Wherever You Go, Go With All of Your Heart...

When I fell in love with Casey I made a promise that I would follow him anywhere. Nothing else mattered, just that we were always together. When we made our first big move from Dallas to Austin in 2003, I was scared. I was afraid of the unknown but at the same time, excited for the new adventures.

We spent the first few years bouncing around from different areas all around Austin. By 2007, we found the place we wanted to be and made it happen. We spent the next few years planting roots. Together we made lifelong friends and watched as our children formed lasting bonds with other children. We talked about our future and made plans to stay in the area so that our boys could graduate with their friends. We always said that once they entered High School we would stay put, no matter what.
We dreamed of buying land somewhere around Austin and building a house. One that our grandchildren would visit while they grow up. A house where Casey and I would grow old together. 

In January my world came crashing down around me. Casey warned me that something big was going down at work. I listened but thought to myself it couldn't be anything to major. We were chatting on IM when he said, "California or New York?" My reply was California. It seemed like forever before he returned. When he finally returned he sent a single reply that read......
New York.

I saw it. It registered. I just didn't believe it. I thought there was no way we were going to uproot our family and move halfway across the United States. We would find a way to stay. Casey would find another position within Google that would keep him us in Austin. If not, he would find another job with a company just as good. Just as good as Google.

When we had a family meeting and told the kids what was happening emotions were high. We discussed our options and tried to be as honest with the kids as we could.
I worried the most about Venus. He was already in high school and seemed to really enjoy it. I was afraid that he would be devastated with the idea of moving, but he wasn't... he was thrilled. He never was a fan of Texas. He even talked about eventually ending up in New York, or London.

Sequel wasn't so thrilled. He was pretty upset with the thought of leaving his friends behind. I didn't blame him. I was pretty upset about leaving my friends too.

Pacey and Chase reacted the same way. They were sad to leave their friends, but happy to move somewhere else. As long as daddy stayed with Google, they would be fine. What a powerful word. Google.

Over the next couple of months I went through a lot of stages.

I denied that this was really happening. This couldn't really happen. Things would work out in the end and we would find a way to stay.

I got angry. I was pissed at Google for not caring about the impact this had on our lives. I was pissed that there weren't more options. I was mad at the world. How unfair.

I became depressed. I was sad for our kids. I was sad for us. I didn't want to sell the house we worked so hard on. The house that I painted and made our own. I didn't want to leave behind the swing set that our kids played on. The swing set that Joelie played on before she could walk or talk. I didn't want to find a new home for our dogs. Our kids loved those dogs. I didn't want to leave my BFF, Andrea behind. I just found her. I didn't want to move away from family... when would I see them again? I cried. For days, maybe weeks.

At some point I accepted that this was really happening. I found reasons to be excited and I held on to them with all my might.
We sold our house. We sold the swing set. We got rid of things that we didn't need to take. We found the dogs a new home. The kids finished school. We spent the last few days in Texas with friends and family. We shed tears and said our goodbyes. We mourned.
And... we found a new place to live... in Wayne NJ.

Joelie is FOUR! Questions...

What is your  favorite color?  Pink and Purple. Oh and Red! 

What is your favorite toy?  Tinkerbell and Lala Loopsy and My Little Pony and Horses 

What is your favorite fruit?  Banana 

What is your favorite TV show? Lala Loopsy 

What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch? Cheese Sandwich 

What is your favorite outfit? Horsey Shirts 

What is your favorite game? Lala Loopsy and My Little Pony 

What is your favorite snack? Doritos 

What is your favorite animal? Horse and Giraffe 

What is your favorite song? My Little Pony and Lala Loopsy 

What is your favorite book? Princess Books 

Who is your best friend? Mommy 

What is your favorite holiday? Halloween 

What do you like to take to bed with you at night? Bambi 

What is your favorite thing for breakfast? Pancakes 

What do you want for dinner on your birthday? Cake 

What do you want to be when you grow up? A Ghost, A Horse. UM... 

Today I Hurry Off to School...

It's that time of the year again. School zone lights are flashing off and on. Signs are up reminding us that talking on a cell phone and parking in the street are illegal. Traffic is backed up for blocks and blocks. Children are walking, running, and riding bikes down the sidewalk. And once again my alarm is set to wake me up early enough to get myself and five kids out the door and to school on time.

Normally I'm excited to get to this point. I mean, what I wouldn't give to get my kids back on a schedule; following a routine. It's been a crazy busy summer with a lot of changes. The kids and their sleeping patterns are all over the place. There isn't a downtime. By the time summer is coming to an end, I'm ready for things to get back to "normal". This year was pretty much the same, with the exception of sending my oldest son to High School. 

Can a mom ever really prepare herself for sending her kids off to school?

First there is pre-k. You watch your tiny immobile infant turn into a cruising toddler. From there you wake up one day staring a little mini person in the face. Before you know it they are reciting ABC's, counting, and listing off the colors on everyday objects that they see. You prepare yourself for that first day of preschool. It will be good for them. They will get to learn so much and put all of that toddler energy into good use. Still, it's hard. 

Then comes the first day of kindergarten. Why is it harder than the first day of preschool? It just is. Take my word for it. Your toddler is a big kid now. He or she is now their own little person. Different from anyone else. It's time again to send them off to put their new found energy into good use. But it won't be easy. While you prepare for the first day of school you watch as your child gets more and more excited with each passing day. You tell yourself all the stuff that you are suppose to; it will be okay. He/she will love school. He/she will make friends. It. Will. Be. Okay.
That first day as your walking your excited school aged kid to class you fight back the tears. It's silly. You aren't losing him/her. Don't be so emotional. But nothing works. The tears will fall. It is okay. In that moment that you hit the classroom door you see a side to your child that you haven't seen before. The excitement. The social butterfly. They will start little people conversations right before your eyes and suddenly you start drifting off into the distance. You'll get your big hug and kiss goodbye and you will walk out, backwards, watching as your big kid looks around and takes in his/her new surroundings and becomes king/queen of the jungle. As you walk back to your car suddenly every image of your child from belly to birth to sitting up to crawling to walking to running to talking to counting to reading plays over and over and over again in your head. The tears fall as the oh so familiar baby smell hits your nose and the soft tender baby snuggles hug your skin. Where did that come from? It's there. Always there.
Slowly it gets easier. There is no more walking him/her to class, "I'm a big kid, I can do it myself". The days go by fast and soon enough you are on to the next stage... 

Middle school. I think this is the easiest step by far. You had a lot of time to prepare. Chances are the almost pre-teen won't want you to walk them to class on the first day. They probably won't be too keen on public displays of affection either. During the next few years you will watch your pre-teen turn into a teen. Voices will change. Hair will grow in places they don't want to talk about. One day you will wake up looking up into your teens eyes... no longer staring at eye level. It's all a bit crazy, a bit fast, and pretty amazing at the same time. 

Then comes high school. Let me just say that reaching high school with your kids is one of the most amazing feelings in the world. Even though you may not realize it, chances are you question from time to time if your child will ever make it to high school. As the days count down and it gets closer and closer you feel this heavy sadness inside. Four more years plays over and over again in your mind. It doesn't matter how many times your kid reassures you that 4 years is a long time... you know better. It is going to fly by. It's almost like the beginning of the end. You wonder what will happen in the next 4 years. Who will he/she become? What kind of decisions will they make? Did you do a good enough job?
The first day wasn't hard for me. Okay... maybe it was a little. It was the night before that really sent me off the emotional end. I bawled like a baby. Instead of sleeping to prepare myself for the first school day, I lay in bed replaying the last 14 years. That familiar baby smell was back. The soft baby skin was lightly touching my skin. The sounds of cooing were in my ear. I remembered every little thing that you normally only remember when you pull out the photo album that has been sitting on your shelf for years. It was all there. So fresh in my mind. I cried myself to sleep dreaming of all the wonderful years that led us to where we are today.
The next morning I held it together. I wouldn't cry. I said goodbye and wished him a good day. When he got out of the car he was 4 and singing songs about poop. When he walked into the school doors he was 14 with the entire world at his fingertips.

Build Me A Son...

Tuesday, March 16 at 5pm, I was sitting on my bed chatting with Casey on IM when my water broke. We were 36 weeks pregnant with our first baby together. It took us almost a year to get pregnant with him and we were so excited to welcome him to our family!

Casey hurried home from work, as fast as he could in 5pm Austin traffic. We made it to the hospital around 6:30pm with my contractions were coming every 3 to 5 minutes. It was around 9:00pm when the doctor on call broke my water. When she checked me, I was 6cm's dilated.
I was fully dilated by 10pm and ready to push. I told the nurses I was ready and they asked me to hold on so they could get the doctor. She came running in just in time for the first push. Four more pushes and he was out! 10:23PM Pacey Monroe made his grand entrance into the world!!
I remember her asking Casey if he wanted to cut the umbilical cord. He hesitated and said he was freaked out because it was so big!! :) She ended up cutting it.

I was so happy when she placed him in my arms. I felt like we had waited so long to have him and holding him was the most amazing feeling ever. 

Over the next hour we studied every bit of him. He was perfect but it wasn't long before we realized that something was up. His face was really purple and bruised looking, only he hadn't been in the birth canal long enough for his face to look like that. I knew what was happening before anyone said anything to us. I remember sitting on the bed and telling Casey that I don't think I could handle having another NICU baby. See, I had been in this situation before when Sequel was born. He was also born at 36 weeks and looked bruised and purple right after delivery. He ended up spending four days in the NICU.
Shortly after I made that statement to Casey a nurse walked in and explained to us that Pacey wasn't breathing on his own. They had to take him to the NICU for a better observation.
He ended up spending one week in the NICU. It was the longest week of our lives. I was lucky enough to nest at the hospital while he was there and I spent every moment I could with him.

I still remember the day we got to take him home. It was just the tow of us and it was raining. He slept the entire way home.

Back in 2004 I kept a writing journal. I looked back and found an entry that Casey had written when Pacey was 4 months old.
Here it is...
Today is a normal Saturday. This morning I woke up and Pacey was next to me. He was just waking up too. It was about 9:25am. We laid in the bed and talked and played for about 30 minutes. He is almost 4 months old, and I love him so much. He is the most precious baby ever!

Another post by me two days later...
Pacey is almost 4 months old. He has grown and changed so much over the last few months. He is so so adorable! I have enjoyed watching him, bonding with him. I love the way he lights up when he sees Casey and the way he squeals when they "talk". He just started sticking his tongue out and blowing bubbles. So precious.

A post from his first birthday...

There is so much I have to write down because I never want to forget this. He waves bye-bye using his whole arm, sometimes both arms. He gives open mouthed kisses and will kiss Casey on his head while say muwah! He has this look where he smiles so big, scrunches his nose and squints his eyes! So cute! He smiles at strangers, the cutest smile. He rides in carts backwards. He likes playing at the park in tunnels and climbing on the rock stairs. He stands alone but won't walk yet. He plays on the floor with cars and trucks , making noises like he is driving them.

I will never forget.

I remember when Pacey was two he wouldn't talk. He only said a few words that he had picked up watching Dora. We found out a while later that he couldn't hear and he ended up having tubes put in his ears. I think back to how that day changed our lives. Once he learned how to talk... he never stopped! He goes on and on and on even today at 8 years old. He's such a smart and funny kid. I have enjoyed him so much over the years and I can't wait to see how he changes in the years to come. He's my sweet, handsome, talkative boy and still the most loving of all of our kids.
Happy 8th Birthday, Pacey!

Joelie is Three! Questions?...

What is your  favorite color?  Pink

What is your favorite toy?  Animals

What is your favorite fruit?  Banana

What is your favorite TV show? Lion King 

What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch? Sandwich

What is your favorite outfit? Dora Shirt 

What is your favorite game? Zingo 

What is your favorite snack? Chips 

What is your favorite animal? Lion 

What is your favorite song? Friday 

What is your favorite book? Simba and Bambi books 

Who is your best friend? Chase, Pacey, Mommy, Daddy, Venus and Sequel

What is your favorite holiday? Christmas

What do you like to take to bed with you at night? iPad 

What is your favorite thing for breakfast? Eggs with Cheese 

What do you want for dinner on your birthday? Cake

What do you want to be when you grow up? I'm gonna be Joelie and a mom. 

Mommy, You Are My Best Friend...

Those are words I hope to hear for the rest of my life! 

Five years ago I started dreaming about having one more baby, a girl. I was already a mom five times over to a handful of amazing boys... but I longed for a little girl to complete our family. I knew it wasn't something that I'd easily talk Casey into trying for. I remember him telling me when we found out that we were pregnant with Chase that we were DONE. There were no discussions about it.
 
For the next few years I accepted that we would never have a daughter. I stopped thinking about it and enjoyed making memories with my boys. It wasn't until Chase turned 2 and started outgrowing the baby stage that I started to feel the ache again. 

I became obsessed with reading blogs and forums about increasing our chances of conceiving a girl. I even found a local clinic that would spin sperm in unique situations to help a couple choose the gender. I gathered all my information and prepared myself to present it all to Casey. It was time to talk him into it.

I was shocked when he didn't slam the door in my face and actually listened and considered what I was saying. He wasn't thrilled about the idea of paying money to spin his sperm, so that wasn't an option. In the end he finally agreed... we would try ONE more time and if we didn't get our little girl, or even if we did... we were really DONE!
I was so thrilled! In October I started charting my ovulation. The blogs and forums I read all said to have sex 3 days before ovulation and always with me on top. Looking back it seems silly that I really believed in all the stuff that I read, but boy did I ever.
We didn't actually start trying until December. I followed the charts, we had sex like clockwork 3 days before ovulation and always with me on top.
It wasn't until June that I starting noticing the changes in my body. We were getting ready to move and I remember standing in front of the mirror, Casey walked in, looked at me and said, "You think your pregnant, don't you?" I told him yes. We didn't bring it up again.

The weekend of June 20th we started moving into our house. We were all suffering from Salmonella poisoning and ending up spending our first weekend home laying around puking our guts out. Sunday morning I woke up at 4am and decided to head to Walmart to get some more medicine for the kids... and pick up a pregnancy test. I took it when I got back home... POSITIVE! I knew it! 

I had no doubt  from the beginning that we were pregnant with a girl but I didn't allow myself to say it out loud until we had our gender ultrasound confirming it. That was a day I'll never forget. I cried so hard the sonographer had a hard time finishing the scan! I think Casey got a little teary eyed too!

It has been 3 years (come February 5th) since I first fell in love with my chubby cheeked, blue-eyed baby girl. She has proven to us all that she isn't just our dream come true. She's the gift that just keeps giving. We are all amazed by how loving and sweet she is every single day and by how much joy she brings all of us.

Happy Birthday to my sweet little girl! 

Life Happens!

Sometimes I think that one day I'll get a call saying there was a mix up at the hospital and Joelie isn't really our baby. I know it's silly. I just can't get over how much of a dream come true she really is. I adore everything about her.
She has been falling asleep and/or sleeping with me at night since Casey left on his last trip to Zurich. It's been a few weeks now and although I'd love for her to go to sleep in her own room to begin with, I can't deny that I LOVE the cuddles. She will sleep as close to me as she can with her little knees tucked to her belly and her arm around my neck. Most nights she repeats, "I love you so much mommy" or "You are so cute, Mommy" until she drifts off to sleep. It's the most amazing feeling in the world being so close to her. She happens to be a morning person like her mama, thank goodness! When she gets up she hugs and kisses me while saying, "Good morning mommy!" and she will pet my face and say, "Aw, mommy!". I love this girl. She is so sweet.
I'm amazed by how much she has grown and learned over the months. She is one smart little girl with a sassy personality and a mommy instinct! I'm looking forward to hanging out with her more while the boys are in school.

Tomorrow is Kinder Kamp for Chase. I can't say that I'm thrilled. All I keep thinking is it's only 12 more days until school officially starts and I'm going to walk him to the "kiss goodbye zone" and send him off to spend his days with complete strangers. It sucks. There is no denying he is my baby boy. He is a mama's boy to the bone and has always been. He didn't grow out of it like Pacey did and I have held on to him as tight as I could. I know some of you reading this will think it's just school, it's not a big deal... but it is a big deal to me. I've done this three times already and I can tell you from experience that they leave going into kindergarten as your baby and come out graduating kindergarten as an independent big kid. 


Pacey is ready to go back to school. He's excited to go into second grade and can't wait to find out who his teacher is and see what friends are in his class. I just hope that he does better this year than he did last and can control his emotions a little more and stay out of trouble! He's such a smart boy so I'll know he will do well.
He was curled up on Casey's chair this morning sleeping and I sat with him stroking his hair. I thought about how Casey and I dreamed about having him, our first baby together, and how happy he made us. I thought about his sweet little baby face and how he looked for the first week of his life in the NICU. He was perfect. So much love and joy went into the first few years of his life as we watched him grow. He was a pretty awesome toddler that loved watching Dora, speaking in Spanish, and playing with trains. He has grown into such a cool little boy with amazing hazel eyes and gorgeous long hair. His smile and laughter are contagious and bring me so much joy.

Where do I even start with Sequel? 16 more days until his 11th birthday and I've been hearing about it for months! He's so excited to start middle school and scared about being too hard at the same time. I'm excited for him. I think he is going to do great and I know he will enjoy it. He's such an outgoing and active kid that really gets along well with kids of all ages. He's pretty awesome with his siblings and is such a big help to me. I really couldn't be more proud of him.His new thing is becoming a motocross racer. SIGH... why can't he like non-dangerous sports?

I haven't seen Venus too much his summer :) He locks himself in his room and plays on his laptop for hours only coming out to eat and drink or to go to the occasional movie. He's a pretty funny kid, I think he'd make a good comedian! It's so funny how tech savvy he is. He can keep up in conversations with Casey where I haven't a clue what either of them are talking about!
I think he's pretty excited about his last year in Jr High. He's ready to go to high school, get a car, and get a job! Scary!
I love this kid even if he won't let me hug and kiss on him anymore. I do my best to sneak some loving in when I can :)